Mask
by Claire Jefferson
Summary: 'It was easy to smile, Merlin concluded. It was easy to plaster a smile on your face, even when there was indeed nothing to smile about. But that smile was his mask, and he wore it well.' Merlin can't lie anymore, can't pretend anymore, so he comes clean. How will Arthur react? Can be seen as slash. ONESHOT!


**Okay, so I might be slightly obsessed with Merlin right now. I haven't loved a show so much since Smallville ended. It's such a great show! Anyway, here is a oneshot reveal fic. THanks for reading!**

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It was easy to smile, Merlin concluded. It was easy to plaster a smile on your face, even when there was indeed nothing to smile about. But that smile was his mask, and he wore it well.

Gaius knew Merlin was what he was, he knew it was hard for Merlin to be the secret sorcerer and to hide it from all he cared about. What he didn't know was how afraid Merlin was. He didn't know how worn Merlin was. He didn't know Merlin woke up in the middle of the night, almost screaming, with tears running down his face. So many nightmares. Of being found out and executed by Arthurs command. Of people around him dying because he and his magic weren't strong enough to stop it. All he ever saw was a smiling Merlin. But that smile was his mask, and he wore it well.

Gwen knew Merlin really cared about Camelot, really cared about his friends, and didn't always care for the jobs that Arthur assigned him. What she didn't know was how angry it made Merlin. He was given stupid, meaningless tasks when he had the power to do so much. He could defeat a whole army and no one could know. It made him so mad that sometimes he…sometimes he almost thought he'd be better off leaving. All she saw was the Merlin that loved everyone, and was always so calm, and happy. But that smile was his mask and he wore it well.

Arthur knew Merlin had secrets. Everyone has secrets, Merlin was also entitled to them. What he didn't know was that every time Merlin lied to him, he felt so bad that he could cry. Every time Arthur said bad things about magic, Merlin cringed. He didn't know that Merlin's secrets were slowly wearing the man down. He thought everything was okay because he never saw anyone smile as often as Merlin did. But that smile was his mask, and he wore it well.

Merlin woke up with a cold sweat, his heart pounding and his throat dry. He swung his legs off his bed and sat up. He couldn't do this anymore. It was driving him crazy. He was going to lose it soon. Nightmares were common now, haunting his sleep to a point where he was almost afraid to close his eyes at night.

He pulled himself off his bed and changed. His daily routine started. He checked the place under the floor for his magic spell books and items. He then pulled open the door to find Gaius busy at work already.

"Off already?" Gaius asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Time to wake up sleeping beauty," Merlin joked, throwing his signature goofy grin at the old man. But as he left, the smile dissipated. He was tired, of course he was tired, sleep was sparse.

He made his way to the kitchen and got food for Arthur. He thanked the cooks, made his way up the stairs and paused in front of Arthur's door. He took a deep breath, reached for the knob, and slowly pulled the door open.

Per usual, Arthur was still asleep in bed. Merlin set the food on the table and went over to the windows. He opened them quickly and waited a moment. Arthur then began to rub his eyes and blink.

"Merlin?"

"Time to get up, sire," Merlin informed him with a jolly voice.

Arthur groaned and rolled over, ignoring him. When Merlin began to tug him out of the bed, Arthur reached behind and tried to push him away. But Merlin pulled him onto the floor.

Within the hour, Arthur was dressed, fed, suited up and ready for knight training. Merlin was left with his chores. And this was a freedom that Merlin loved, though he'd never admit to it.

Shut up in Arthur's room, alone, with jobs to do. Magic was the obvious tool. Never had armor been so shiny, or boots so clean, or bed so well made. Everything was perfect. All because of a magic he had to pretend didn't exist. And when he was finished with the cleaning and the chores, the magic just stopped and the tears began to spill over.

Merlin sat down slowly, his back scrapping the wall. He just sat there, leaning against the cold, stone, crying. His chest racked violently as his lungs fought to breathe through the choked sobs. It was too much for one person, too much for him. He just couldn't take it any longer.

An hour later, Arthur came back. "Merlin, you'll never believe what I just—Merlin?" He was shocked to say the least. There was Merlin, against the wall, with shiny eyes and cheeks. And as his usually smiling face looked up at him, Merlin glared darkly at the Prince. "Merlin, what's wrong?"

Merlin didn't answer, he just slowly looked away and rested his head on his knees. One last tear fell down his face before he swiped the water away. He rubbed his cheeks, and his eyes, stood up, dusted off his clothes, turned back to Arthur, and smiled a big deep grin as if nothing had happened. "Sorry, what won't I believe happened?"

Arthur stared in surprise. If Merlin's eyes were still red and puffy, he'd be wondering if he'd actually seen that at all. "Merlin, what aren't you telling me?"

And down fell the smile, down fell the mask. Hard stoned faced Merlin crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "A lot."

"What do you mean?" Arthur finally asked after a moment of hesitation.

"You don't want to hear it."

"The hell I don't," Arthur snapped. "You're my friend Merlin, stop lying to me."

"Stop lying? Arthur, all I've ever done is lie to you!"

"What the hell are you talking about Merlin? Have you been down to the tavern drinking?" Arthur was staring at him incredulously

Merlin sat on the bed, his hands ran through his hair. "I'm scared, Arthur."

"Of what?"

"Of you."

Whatever the prince had been expecting him to say, that was not it. "What do you mean? Did you do something bad? Are you afraid I'll fire you?"

Merlin let out a low, sad chuckle. "Me being fired is not my biggest problem."

"Look at me!" Arthur commanded and Merlin met his eyes at once. "You're going to explain right now!"

Merlin wanted to scream. "Or what?"

"Excuse me?"

"If I don't explain, if I don't stop lying, if I do not tell you the truth, what are you going to do?" Merlin said in a growl. "Kill me?" He let out a laugh though nothing was funny.

Arthur blinked in shock. "I—I, Merlin what is going on?"

"What would you do to a man who could control dragons?" Merlin asked, dropping his eyes from the prince again. "Seriously, answer the question."

Arthur hesitated but then thought about it. "The Dragonlord, Balinor was the last." Arthur made the comment sound so fragile, as if he were afraid of frightening Merlin.

"No," Merlin whispered and he shut his eyes to wage war against the tears that threatened to spill over. "Balinor was…he was my father."

A pause, a deafening pause of time where Arthur stood in disbelief and then acceptance. "What? Merlin I'm so sorry that—"

"I'm a Dragonlord Arthur," Merlin cut him off quickly.

"You're—" But Arthur stopped his mouth open, then he shut it only to let it fall open again. He licked his dry lips as he searched for the words though his mind was empty.

"And a Warlock."

"A what?"

"Emrys they call me. The strongest magic user that ever lived, so they say."

"Merlin you—"

"I can use magic, I was born with it. It wasn't really something I learned. And I've saved your royal arse with it more times than I can count."

And then there was silence.

Arthur stared at him incredulously. Merlin stared back determinedly.

"You have magic?" Arthur whispered so Merlin could barely hear at all.

"Yes and no," Merlin went to looking at his hands. "I _am_ magic. The desire to use magic is so strong sometimes, as if I might explode if I don't use it. Other times it is so strange and scary to find myself able to do the things I can do."

Arthur was hearing the words Merlin was saying but at the moment they weren't really registering in his mind. "You…everything about you was a lie?"

"I told you lies," Merlin agreed slowly, "but I wasn't a lie. I think you can be the best king Camelot has ever seen. I do not like hunting. I care dearly for my mother. Gaius is like a father to me. Gwen was my first friend in Camelot…You were my dearest."

Arthur stared at him and then his face contorted to anger. "Why are you telling me all this? Why now? Why ever? Why did you not just pretend you didn't have magic? Why do you need to use it?"

Merlin smiled his little mask and leaned forward just to watch Arthur take a step even farther away from him. "Why am I telling you? That was your first question, right? Because no one likes keeping secrets. Why now? Because I can't lie anymore. Why ever? Because lying is killing me! Why use my magic? Because it is me. It makes me as a person, defining my very existence. I can do so much good, but only if I embrace who I am. Magic isn't evil so why wouldn't I use it?"

"If that is how you feel, why did you come to Camelot, better yet, why did you stay?"

Merlin opened his mouth to reply, and then shut it. "Doesn't matter. I'm going now."

And at that Arthur went silent. "Where are you going?" he finally asked after a few minutes of not looking at him.

"I don't know," Merlin admitted sadly. "Maybe I'll just travel around. Perhaps I'll just find a cave in the middle of nowhere and live out my days like my dad." He gave a false chuckle.

"What makes you think you can leave now?" Arthur asked darkly. "You were right to say you were afraid of me, Merlin. I'm going to kill you!"

Merlin's false smile disappeared and he looked Arthur in the eye for the first time since they began talking. "I didn't mean I was afraid of you killing me, Arthur. I was afraid of leaving. But I won't stay to let you kill me. I won't ask you to forgive me because I don't…want to let you think that I thought what I did was wrong. I am sorry that you got hurt. I am sorry I cannot stay any longer and protect you as your man servant. But I am not sorry for being a warlock."

"That's it?" Arthur said in a whispering voice.

"Well, you can't stop me. It may be a hit to your ego but I could take you with less than one blow," Merlin said remembering the first time they ever met and then he looked up like the ceiling might have some answers for him. He waited a beat and then his eyes flashed a brilliant gold. A gust of wind whipped around them and then they weren't standing in Arthur's room anymore. Instead, they were watching a scene from many years ago. A woman sang before the King and his son while a peasant boy watched from the side.

Arthur watched with amazement as Merlin slowed down time and plucked the weapon from the air. A new view on a moment of his life from long ago. And then it disappeared and they were back in the King's room.

Arthur stared at him silently and Merlin could see Arthur putting all the puzzle pieces together in his head. He was going through the past years with Merlin, every strange thing that happened, and putting Merlin's magic into the mix. Every so often his eyebrows would knit together in confusion, but he didn't say anything. Then after a few more moments, realization would come upon him and he'd look up at Merlin again with disbelief.

Finally, after perhaps twenty minutes had gone by, Merlin sighed heavily. "I should be going."

"Why aren't you trying to convince me that magic isn't evil, and that neither are you?" Arthur asked like he was a little boy, too tired to put up a Kingly pretense anymore.

Merlin smiled fondly at the man before answering, "I don't expect you to understand Arthur, but I know that if you really believe magic is evil then so am I. How could you see me or it any differently after a few words? I suppose I could stay, tell you everything I've done for you, but I can't do that."

"Why not?" Arthur asked, suddenly the calm demeanor that he'd held the entire time slipped away and rage was on his face and in his voice. "Why don't you fight for me? Why don't you convince me of who you are? Why don't you make me fear your great magic by attacking me with it? Why do you give up so easily? Why do you give up on me so easily?"

And then Merlin let his calmness wash away too. His face crumpled to allow tears, hot like fire, roll down his cheeks. "Because I can barely stand at the moment, let alone try to convince you of anything. I've thought about this moment everyday for such a long time. Here it is. I'm not giving up easily Arthur, I've fought long and hard, but I am so tired now, so worn. What more can you ask of me?"

Arthur was stunned, watching the tears that fell down Merlin's face. "I'd ask you to stay," Arthur said softly and he even he seemed to be shocked by those words. But he quickly recovered. He straightened and more forcefully said, "Will you stay?"

"Why?" Merlin asked Arthur with no hope left.

"Because you're my dearest friend, Merlin," Arthur finally said with the most serious of ways. "And I trust you. So if you tell me that magic is not evil, and that you can use it, then who am I to call you a liar?"

Merlin was shocked to say the least. "You—you're trying to trick me. It won't work."

"No," Arthur shook his head, "I'm not as good a liar as you."

And that stung. Merlin took a step back, hurting more than he should.

"No," Arthur back tracked. "I'm sorry…it's just that, it does hurt a little that you've lied so long to me. And I can't forgive you right away. And I can't agree that magic can be good, nor can I legalize it in Camelot. But I will listen to what you have to say. And I will ask that you stay."

Merlin looked up at the king and wiped away a few of the tears that streamed his face. "So you're giving me time to prove my magic is good."

"I guess," Arthur sighed and then looked over at Merlin. "I don't trust your magic Merlin, but I do trust you."

And the Merlin smiled. It was the first real smile in a very long time.

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**I love Merlin 3 Please review! It means alot to me!**


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